Multiply. Oh my, Multiply.
It’s quite evident by now that I am not the most prolific blogger in the world but, believe it or not, there was once a time when I would post even twice day.
The blog was hosted on Multiply. Yeah, quality is another question. Ofcourse, I cringe when I read through posts from that time because a majority of my writings summed up my life as an angst-ridden, pimpled teenager. There is a raw naivete that I miss sometimes from those days. I literally did not know anything and my emotions were all I went by which made me type down rather furiously whatever felt right on my fingertips. There was a firm belief that every experience warranted me wisdom. The thing is, sometimes we don’t ALWAYS learn from what befalls us. We make the same mistake again and again and again. It did not help that not many people read my blog, so I was left to my own devices and onwards I wrote through the decade 🙂
Well, I found out the sad, bittersweet news today that my blog, Ordinary Days, no longer exists. The only remnants now are the brief words that appear under each hyperlink result when you Google ‘Ordinary Days phrahncsis’. All my thoughts over the course of more than a decade condescended into the pages of that blog. She was my baby. A vortex of understanding, confession, documented confusion and the odd self-realization. The highly-adjustable viewer privacy options, a black hole of pseudo-secrecy. All 300+ entries. The paragraph-sculpting. The amateur wordsmith-ing. The intentional subtleties. The ‘poetic vagueness’- a refined way of describing a)the numerous indulgences in unclear, irrational writing with hopes that cluttered thoughts would iron themselves out in the attempts and b) my nuanced pining for whatever was love without reciprocation.
I’m not as bothered as my sentimentality is putting across (Or am I assuming now that I had made that tone clear enough?). Just wish I had the chance to say ‘goodbye’ and have some sort of ‘closure’. Whatever that means.
In light of the life I’m living now and the new priorities I am fighting to prioritize, Multiply is a very unnecessary thing to preoccupy myself with. It is exactly why I’ve only looked at that blog only a handful of times over the past 3 years. Sometimes good things can become bad things. Memories of what was really can cripple us to stagnation. It doesn’t work well because Life is Dynamic. It keeps changing. Anyway, in the grand scheme of things, my life and my experiences, as real as they are, are only a blip in light of an eternity with Jesus. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for cherishing memories and experiencing new things. But it isn’t a bad idea to have an eternal perspective on Life and all that it entails within itself. When we die, that’s it. Everything pales in comparison to Life After. It’s very humbling. Maybe a little insulting and dismissive to some.
So this shouldn’t burn too much; nostalgia should not equate to an emotional breakdown! As I squint my eyes and try to reminisce whatever I wrote, each flicker of a memory written is an opportune time for me to reflect on how far God has carried me faithfully through the years- as a wandering, searching soul and as a Christian. Everything has converged into the day my life changed, the day I got new eyes and a new heart. It may sound limited and constricting. But I say, “It is BEAUTIFUL!” And I have the rest of my life to figure it out.
So, I’m not going to have that option of showing my future kids and wife whatever I wrote as a 15-year old. I sure as heck am going to miss that blog. But, I guess it’s time to move on. I don’t know if I can ever write with complete, unadulterated honesty and reckless abandon here. But I will write real whenever I can.
So long, ‘Ordinary Days’.
OneDay At ATimeMan 